"As dreams are made on"

(Thanks to Shakespeare for the title and thought behind this rambling today.)

As I have related before, I am now masked during sleep...well, one might argue for me being "masked" during my awake hours too...but that is best left for another day.

The Dr. I work with keeps promising me that with my magical air mask...I will sleep better and dream better.  I will be rested and restored to full function the next morning just by strapping on the silicon monster each and every night.  Hah.  That I will become soooo comfortable with the "Mask" that I will be able to get up in the middle of the night, unhook the tubing from the machine, leaving my mask on, and go let my pupper out. (And since he is middle aged...going outside every 5 or 6 hours is good!) Hah. Hah. Claustrophobia...I now understand. I cannot even get through a full night without awakening to my mask breathing merrily on the pillow next to me. Yup.  I am holding the mask in my hand...all intact and buckled...with the machine now breathing for my pillow. 

(And when I related this information to the Dr, she thought perhaps another strap would due the trick.  Only if homicide is now classified as a "trick!" )

So I am having very odd dreams due to this half breathing, half gasping sleep I am now experiencing.  For the first 3 days of the New Year...I was dreaming of a bucolic little farm with goats....and I was making cheese.  Really.  I mean, I get my obsession with cheese...if you know me...you have heard me wax poetic about fromage.  The local cheese mongers know me by name...and they know their till will be wealthier when I walk out their door.  So I get the cheese part of my dream...but the goat and farm aspect?  Not so much.  Farms are hard dirty work...add livestock to the equation and you just put shackles on your life, in addition to the hard work.  I didn't want to dream after 3 nights of goats!

So I tried reading just before I attempted to sleep with my "Zorro!"  A mystery.  So then I dreamed of a murder...that happens...on a goat farm!  Argh!  And the spunky heroine seems to be me with an acquired southern accent.  (Thanks to my co-worker Jules who drawls all day long!) 

The next night I read the new Rick Riordan "Heroes."  All about Roman and Greek gods and goddesses...the whole pantheon....complete with fauns and satyrs...GOATS!  So now, my dreams had talking goats that walked on 2 legs!

So last night I grabbed a guaranteed snoozer of a book...The Illustrated Guide to Victorian Sterling Silver.  I was safe...no goats...no cheese. 

Aaaaaarrrrrrrgggggghhhhh!

Did you know that the wealthy Victorians had GOATS harnessed to little chariots for their children to ride around in?  And that there were actually sterling silver bells that went on the small harnesses?  Or that the Victorians (I am beginning to dislike these people!) had sterling silver utensils made just to serve and eat certain types of cheeses?  A Stilton scoop, anyone?

So I dreamt of goats wearing leather (hmmmm) with bells attached chasing down rolling wheels of cheese...all at the same bucolic farm.  And how they held the cheese scoops with their hooves...I don't know.

Shakespeare's line "as dreams are made on"...in my case...would be silicon contoured, CPAP infused, click buckled, breathing machine ventilated foundations that somehow inspire (curse) me to have dreams again....but just of the goaty variety!  Wonder if another strap would help?!?!

So when next you see me...just quietly pull the straw from my hair...and accept a gift of farm fresh cheese!  Oh, and watch out for the goats...they like to butt!

I am Back....Welcome to my 2011!

Today is January 1^st, 2011…which by the new calendar on my wall…gives weight to the IMPORTANCE of the date…January 1^st..  A new start…a fresh, un-besmirched page…a new leaf. 

The weird thing is I started my New Year with repeated dreams of….goats and cheese!  I understand the cheese part…I AM FIXATED on cheese!  Hard, creamy, tangy, coy, aged, fresh…you name the cheese…the odds are great that I know it.  But goats?????  Am I destined to become an artisan cheese maker?  But goats?  Milking goats?  Mucking goats?  Gah….gack!  Sheep….maybe.  Crazy, eh?

Well, first I must address the last year…2010…and my thoughts about what has passed.

Losses…they have occurred this year…in my life…in the lives of friends…in the world of humankind.  But the impact is so greatly felt in the personal sphere.  My cousin Mike, a larger than life man with a booming laugh, a quick wit, a gentle bear, the anchor of his siblings…and sad to say…I knew him only on the periphery.  I did not know him as the Renaissance man he was…  My aunt Jean, Mike’s Mom also left this year.  She was a gracious, warm woman with a throaty voice who held the threads of her family together like a weaver.  She wove strength, practicality, un-conditional love, generosity, and, in the last years profound personal sadness (from the death of my Uncle Andy and her son Kurt.) into the life fabric of her family.  My great Uncle Marvin left life on his terms this fall…swiftly with his children surrounding him.  A man of many words and stories…a man of deep faith…a proud veteran…a child of the earth…which he tended with his beloved 1952 tractor.  The last of his generation.  As the “keeper” of my family history…the obits are much more grievous now than 20 years ago…then the obits were just dry facts carved in stone…they now have human faces.

Losses…friends have gone too soon…friends have lost spouses, significant others, parents and children.  I can only say my heart aches for each loss…I would like to say that it gets better…in truth…I can say it gets easier… to remember without falling apart...to put one foot in front of the other and stand upright.  “Better” is a condition that implies the world is the same…which it never is…since each loss creates a new reality.  And yes, in the new reality, there is joy, love, laughter…it is just tempered to a new edge…one that makes you feel keenly the loss.  I still “talk” to my father daily…remembered bits of conversation apply themselves to situations...spontaneous thoughts of “Dad would love this!” burst unbidden into my brain…and I can smile as I visualize his face and crooked grin. 

Toss-ups…there are many…which given my moods can be viewed as either a win or a loss. 

Toss-up:  my career.  I passionately LOVE what I do.  To create pride of ownership and desire, to connect moments in a life, to educate, to celebrate joy…that is what I do on a daily basis.  To match to each client… the right treasure…the perfect jewel… for their moments…for their reasons.  The problem is… decisions have to be made…I have enough regrets in my life…I do not want to sacrifice my avocation.

Toss-up:  I am NOT a good house keeper!  I would rather clean grease traps in diners than clean house.  So I do the minimum.  Note…no dropping by Kimberley’s!  But I will meet you anywhere with coffee and a hug!

Wins, thankfully are numerous this past year!

Win:  I had a major health scare…it started with a simple phone call on a Thursday in October.  My doctor called.  She requested an appointment…I having known her 20 years…said “tell me!’  “Kim…I am so sorry…you have cancer.”  I forgot how to breathe.  Surgery followed 5 days later…after I tried to negotiate putting it off until January…sanity had temporarily deserted me.  Thankfully, I have good friends and a loving family that held me up and sent prayers to God.  (And believe me, I was praying too!)

I woke up with my doctor next to me…I remember her smiling…it was contained and the sentinel biopsies were clear.  Thank you, God!  All checkups since have been good… a true win.

Win:  hand in hand with the above…I was diagnosed with severe sleep apnea.  Apparently during surgery…they had a hard time keeping me breathing.  The “sleep” doctor met with me in the hospital…and in no uncertain terms told me exactly how my life expectancy was decreasing each day.  With my weird sense of humor…all I thought was “Funny…isn’t that expected?  Life is terminal.”  He wasn’t amused. So now I am masked like Zorro!

Win:  I have started blogging.  Well…better late than…later.  It is random…often sporadic (can they be used together?)…semi foodie…but as I see it.  I am at Blogspot.com … http://open-faced-sandwich.blogspot.com  come visit once in a while! If curious to see my thoughts…follow me. 

Win:  (at least I think so).  Relationships…lack of or otherwise.  Some days yes…some days…no.  Those who have known me since college…you were all witness to the devastation of my ended relationship with Andrew.  And the years that followed were shackled by doubts as to “what happened” and “what did I do wrong?”  So, I protected myself with a siege wall…that I never let any one through.  Well, God smacked me upside the head this year!  And His tool was…wait for it…the INTERNET!  I had been aware for some time that a person with a weird email had been searching for me and my postings…so I back-trailed.  It was Andrew.  And from his posting…I realized that I had very little to do with how the relationship ended or even why it ended.  Enough said.  So yes…relationships are possible…but not the only thing to be desired.  So…hopefully you can see the humor in the following blog:

“Attracting the Wrong Attention....Again.

I don't often laze in the swing...however, sun was inducing somnolence...waiting for city water guy...when I realized I was being watched. Cute dark eyes (intent), silver gray hair (a bit messy), and conservatively dressed, plus moving well under his own power.  Hmmmm. The possibilities...

If only it wasn't a SQUIRREL! He was under my apple tree checking out the windfalls, running his little paws over each one searching for the PERFECT apple to squirrel away! (No chance I'd miss that one!) Apparently I was in his territory...and his scolding chatter was deafening!    "Leave! Leave!", "MINE!  ALL MINE!", "First here! I get!", and "Go Away!  I need ALL!"

Oh, well...at least he's a better possibility than the guy in the aisle at Byerly's.”

And that’s the truth of my life...humor.  A gift from God…to be found in the “dailies” of life…it can be cynical…subtle…dry…spontaneous…mercurial…quiet…bubbling…”in your face”…random. 

May the year of 2011 bring you joy and humor.  May there be joy amongst the tears…and humor God-gifted to you daily.



Kimberley